Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Chewing on my thoughts.


I know, I know, same old story -- I've been absent for a while now. As you know, this is due to my new adventure as a foster mom. There are five children needing my attention these days, so free time is a hot commodity 'round these parts. And one of the little darlings is a baby! As in, tiny little thing, my littlest baby ever of this age to care for, and sakes alive, are we ever having a fun time.

But I've also felt lacking in substance to write about. Sounds goofy to say that, yes, considering hello, I am surrounded by five hilarious children which should have me posting about their antics 'round the clock. Unfortunately most of the time I feel I am dealing with a heavy heart and struggle with what to share and what not to share. Our world has been turned upside down in so many wonderful ways, but it's also kicked our tails straight up and into the middle of the mushpot of life -- out of our comfortable little corner of the world into the hurting, the dirty, the mean, the ugly, and the needy (although sometimes those words could apply to each of our hearts, don't you think?). This blog has been a creative outlet for me, mostly filled with lighthearted fodder, but my life has taken a crazy turn from all that for right now, and I'm not sure if my "audience" will care to see this side of things or just prefer the rainbowy-sparkly-glittery side I usually love to share.

The thing is -- foster parenting is one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I wouldn't change it for anything. Truth be told, I would've never imagined myself on this adventure in a million years, yet here I am. Most days are fill-my-cup-up-to-the-brim-with-joy-overflowing types of days. The kind where I feel like pinching myself constantly to make sure it isn't a dream, and that yes, I am truly and unbelievably this happy in life thanks to finally jumping outside of my comfort zone to this new unpredictable and very insecure life we're living as foster parents. But then, of course, some days are poop. Like the crappiest crap ever. (No pun intended especially since we've dealt with the joys of preschooler poo-in-the-pants more often than I'd like to admit, haha.) Days where I feel my heart has already been ripped into a million pieces because I'm hurting so much for these little people we've been called to protect and stand up for; days where I wonder who truly has these little ones' best interests at heart (besides us) and if the big gameplayers are going to indeed make the best decisions for them or if they'll just be lost in the blurry shuffle with the thousands of other foster children; days where I wonder how in the world will I be able to cope if and when the state takes them away from me someday. {Note to self: don't dwell on that thought. Ever.}

So that's where I'm at. Living the dream in many ways, but the type of dream where you often wonder when the rug is going to be pulled out from under you, if indeed it will be pulled out from under you. But trying to remember to pray above all of this -- to trust in God no matter what, no matter the heartache; remembering to constantly thank Him for all of the joys and the trials (ugh, not the easiest); and trying to forget about worrying about what the future holds. Because it is so, so, so not about me.

How's that for an out-of-focus blog update? Ha. I promise to return, once I figure out the correct recipe for what to share from my heart, what to leave out, and how best to share it.

Hope you're enjoying the best summer.


RobinH said...

Whatever you choose to share will move mountains as this post has me already thinking about 'when' is the right time to start fostering ;) Robin

The Busters said...

This is one of the most beautiful things you have ever written. Thank you so much for sharing what is on your heart. I can't imagine how hard it is to live in the middle of all that beauty and heartache. Somedays I find myself searching for that place but am scared to go there. I am so grateful you are my friend. Keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers. XOXOXO

Rhonda said...

I'll read ANYTHING you write. And hey, real is real. I'd like to hear your perspective, you know? And like the first commenter (sort of) said, your words might turn someone's heart toward fostering. I look forward to seeing your decision in future blog posts. :)

Sara said...

As a fellow blogger, I struggle with this too. I mostly share the funny, light-hearted side of my life. I often want to share more, but I'm not really sure how to go about it in terms of "how much is too much?", "how will it be received?", and "will I give the wrong perception?". Like another comment mentioned, though, real is real and I think if you are honest, it just comes across as heartfelt. I've been trying to use PW's guideline of writing like you are talking to a friend or sister. There are things you talk about with your husband that you wouldn't share with your friends...and that's probably the type of stuff I omit.
I will say, however, that you have a huge support system for your family here. Perhaps this may be the outlet you need to both lighten the burden and get a few words of encouragement when you need them.
Keep up the awesome work!

Angie said...

I miss seeing your writing, but I totally get that it is hard to know what to share. It is hard for me, and I am not caring for kids in foster care. You have much to protect.

Country Dreaming said...

I lost my comment-I don't know where it went.
Again just know that we are here for you.


Country Dreaming said...

Good to see you again.
Life does throw those curves balls now and again--share ehat you want and don't share what you want.

Keep up the good parenting I know that you and your husband are doing, enjoy the kids and know that we are here for you.

It came back!!! :)