A: Climb up a tree and act like a nut.
(Props go out to my cousin's second oldest boy for this classic joke, the only joke I can ever successfully remember.)
Only in my little world, which often seems like a mishmash of living with Raymond (from "Everybody Loves Raymond") and Tim (from "Home Improvement"), would the following scenario not only happen, but actually be accepted as a genuine, bonafide reason for one's spouse being well over an hour late arriving home:
(our phone call from five minutes ago)
Me: Where are you?
Him: Well, you'll never believe this, but...(if I had a dollar for every time I've heard that phrase come out of his mouth, I'd be a filthy rich woman.)
Me: But what?
Him: Well, on my way home I stopped at the park to get rid of the peanuts in the back of the car (first "strange for everyone else, completely normal for my husband" part of the explanation). I went to feed them to the squirrels (again, a very normal occurrance). And when I got back to the car, I realized I'd misplaced my car keys when sitting in the park.
*Insert long awkward silence here, during which I was trying to collect my thoughts, resist all of the screaming voices in my head, and keep from reaching through the phone to strangle him.
Him (continuing, as if he'd never even noticed the long, awkward silence): I went back to look for the keys and realized I'd sat in three different places while feeding the squirrels. And with all of the leaves on the ground...
Me (thinking, and not thankfully saying any of the following out loud): ...the five trillion leaves on the ground over who knows how many acres of the park where the car keys could have possibly dropped ALL THE WHILE you were actually supposed to have already come home to get the list of items needed from the paint store so we could actually start sanding the new built-in's in the boy's room that were supposed to be sanded THREE DAYS AGO...
Me (actually what came out of my mouth): Great. See you in ten minutes. Click.
I must give credit to the good Lord above who has granted me over six years of marriage with this husband of mine, six years filled with many a similar scenario, which over time stretched my patience into the significant amount you see that was exercised today. Thank you, Lord. Oh, and while we're at it, thank you, Lord, also for the rest of my family, including my dear brother and sister-in-law, who welcomed their third son into the world yesterday morning and HAVE YET TO NAME THE POOR LITTLE THING. ;) No, really, I know, naming babies is a hard thing, especially when it's your third boy. You don't want to brand the poor things. Hopefully soon...
Yes, Lord, thank you for all the nuts in my life.